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Children time out when first used can be
an exhausting and depressing experience for parents, especially when
the child yells, screams, swears or bangs on the door. Such anxious and
anger feelings make it hard to complete timeouts or to use it again. In
order to avoid these “hangover” from trying to use timeout, it is
important to expect that timeout will be difficult at times. Here are
some pitfalls to avoid:
Tips 1 : Avoid the use of criticisms, nagging and lecturing
Insulting and hurtful criticisms such as
“You never listen to me! Go to timeout now!” or “You’ve been such a bad
boy. Go to timeout now!” is a destructive process. It is more likely to
result in children refusing to comply with timeout. This in turn makes
the parents respond with more anger, causing an escalation of
bickering. It is understandable that parents feel hurt and angry when
their children misbehave or challenge their authority. Instead of
criticizing and nagging, parents should do some mental “editing” where
negative comments and reactions are deleted. State exactly what you
want the child to do and why in an assertive but courteous manner such
as “You need to go to timeout for not doing what I asked you to do.”
When timeout is completed, always remind your children why they have to
go to timeout in a polite fashion such as “Now’s let’s try again, I
know you can do it.”
Tips 2: Avoid storing up annoyances
Sometimes parents put up with annoying
behaviors such as constant whining, bickering with sibling or loud
squealing. Then they suddenly exploded with anger when they feel they
can’t stand another minute of it. These parents wait till they are
boiling with anger and about to lose control, and without giving the
child any warning, they put the child into timeout. As parents, we’ll
have to be able to identify inappropriate behaviors that will trigger a
strong emotional response in us, and present our children with the
“three strikes and you’re out rule”. Tell them clearly and assertively
in the beginning that the behavior if conducted three times, will
result in a timeout. The first time they misbehave, you may say calmly,
“That’s your first whining.” Then, “That’s second.” and finally, “That
was your third whining. Go to timeout.” This not only warns the child
that the behavior is inappropriate but also alerts you to your mounting
annoyance level.
Tips 3: Believe in allowing cooling off period away from attention
Some parents believe that in order for
timeout to be effective, it must result in a child expressing pain or
remorse over the misbehavior. They may consider spanking more effective
because it usually results in tears and expressions of remorse.
However, physical punishment, even when it eliminates undesirable
behavior in the short run, tends to cause more problems later because
it models a violent approach to conflict. Never believe a child who
tells you that timeout doesn’t bother him. Remember that the purpose of
timeout is to stop the conflict and withdraw the reinforcing effects of
negative attention for misbehavior. It gives both parents and children
a cooling off period and a chance for the children to think about what
they have done.
Tips 4: Avoid overly long or short timeouts
Parents tend to believe that the longer
the timeout, the more effective it is, especially when the child has
done something really bad like lying or stealing. Overlong timeouts
tend to breed resentment in children. On the other hand, parents who
let their children out when they bang on the door, cry or promise to
behave before the timeout is up, will actually reinforces that
particular inappropriate behavior. The message conveyed is, “If you
knock (or cry or promise) hard enough, I’ll let you out.” The most
effective timeout need only be five minutes provided there has been two
minutes of quiet at the end.
Tips 5: Avoid overuse of timeout
“Abusing” the use of timeout to 20 or 30 times a day will remove
misbehaving children from opportunities to learn or demonstrate good
behavior. It may correct misbehavior in the short run but in the long
run, it causes bitterness and make children feel that they can’t do
anything right. Focus on one or two misbehaviors that will result in
timeout, when these are eliminated, identify another two.
Tips 6: Must follow-through
Parents may use threat like “Do you want a timeout?” or “You’re asking
for a timeout!” with no intention of following through. Children come
to believe that timeout won’t be used and the result will likely be an
escalation of resistance to timeout when it is actually imposed. It is
more effective to use “if … then” statement such as “If you don’t hang
up your coat, then you will have to go to timeout.” Then, follow
through once an opportunity has been given to comply. Only mention
timeout if you have the time and energy to carry it out. Following
through also means you must be prepared to repeat the timeout if the
first one is refused. As soon as timeout is completed, you must also
repeat the command. Failure to do so will teach the children to use
timeout in order to avoid doing something they don’t want to do.
Tips 7: Interacting during timeout
Parents sometimes inadvertently give attention to their children while
they are in timeout; for example, responding to yelling in the timeout
room or going in and out of the timeout room. These actions defeat the
purpose of timeout and are very reinforcing for children. There should
be no communication with children when they are in timeout. Make your
timeout room a safe place for the child to be alone in and put a lock
for a short while if your child tends to come out of the timeout room.
Time out when used initially may result in children reacting
aggressively; but if it is used consistently and frequently, most will
eventually take it without much anger. When time out is over, do not
scold or lecture. Look for new learning opportunities in which your
child can be successful.
Parents should also spend time supporting, teaching and encouraging
appropriate behaviors than focusing on negative ones. Timeout will work
well if there are frequent positive consequences and parental attention
for appropriate behaviors.
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