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Your child needs to learn about
relationship and social competence. They are important, not only for
social reasons but also for the sake of his mental and emotional
well-being. Good self-esteem and social skills will enhance his ability
to form healthy relationships with adults and peers.
Building Self-Esteem
As a parent, your role in building your
child's self-esteem begins from very early in his life. As an infant,
everything he does is difficult - even rolling over or taking the first
tentative steps. Encourage his efforts and when he finally succeeds; be
sure to lavish him with praise. From toddler hood and onwards, your
child will start forming conclusions about himself. It's important that
you help him succeed in the things he tries to do - whether it's
learning a new skill or playing a new game. Using words he can
understand, tell him what to do or not to do. After he's done it, tell
him how well he's performed. Knowing he did something right will boost
his self-esteem. In turn, this will give him greater confidence to take
on new challenges.
Social Competence
IQ and academic promise alone do not make
a happy child. What does is being liked and getting along well with
other children, i.e. their social competence. This ability to form
healthy peer relationships is so important that it can affect your
child's cognitive and social development. Children with good social
skills usually have healthy self-esteem. They tend to smile more
readily, feel good about themselves and generally find it easier to
handle difficulties. All these qualities make them more likeable and
agreeable, thus making them more friends, as a result.
On the other hand, children who have low self-esteem tend to face
challenges with anxiety and frustration. Thinking poorly of themselves
and harboring self-critical thoughts ("I'm no good" or "I can't do
anything right"), they have a hard time finding solutions. Becoming
passive, withdrawn or depressed only makes it harder for them to
develop friendships.
Making friends involves making oneself likeable in proper ways (like
sharing and taking turns) and learning how to engage others. As a
parent, provide every opportunity for your child to practice these
skills. Children who display high levels of social competence typically
enjoy parent-child relationships that are characterized by agreeable
interactions, acceptance and a high degree of sensitivity to each
other's cues. Parents in such relationships also minimize the use of
physical punishment and force.
Parent's Role in Social Competence Building
Especially during his first three years,
spend time playing with him in a 'peer-like' way, just for the sake of
having fun. Avoid criticizing him and don't be too directive. Instead,
laugh and smile often. These occasions will be invaluable for making
him think he's a worthy play partner and do wonders for his
self-confidence. Your child will feel that he is a good play partner
and, in turn, make him eager to play with others. When he is older, be
sure to allow him to play with other children and later on, to invite
them home on occasion.
But even for supremely self-confident and social competent children, a
parent's counsel can go a long way in avoiding unnecessary social
fumbling and humiliation. It also helps to protect your child's sense
of self-esteem and self-worth in the face of peer rejection.
Congratulate his success in making friends and help him find ways to
gain acceptance when it is harder to come by.
Your child has every right to expect that relationships with others
will be rewarding. However, you have to let him make his friends for
himself and learn to deal with the pains of rejection. Resist the
temptation to make friends for him or to intervene too readily when you
see your child facing difficulties. You will play a more constructive
role by coaching him from the sidelines. Research has shown that
parents' doting presence and constant interference does not benefit
children as they grow older. In fact, their development of social
skills may be impeded.
Thus, let your child struggle to make friends, up to a point. Do not
interfere too readily or force social relationship to his advantage.
The experience will teach him to recognize and handle different
circumstances. The best thing for you to do is to keep assuring him
that you are his unconditional friend. And that you'll always be around
to guide and encourage him as he goes through the joys and pains of
making friends. The constancy of your friendship, your positive
attitude and your moral support is all he needs to win this game that
he has to play on his own.
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